50 Minutes

I tried to write something poignant yesterday about surviving my first day back at work but honestly I couldn't think of anything to say. David so kindly dropped me off at bart only for me to discover the train was running late. My commute in I felt like a sardine crammed so tight I could barely breath. I found myself wistfully looking at a pregnant woman who got a seat next to me when we were both able to sit.

"When are you due?" I couldn't help but casually inquire. I was envious that she was still getting to spend uninterrupted time with her baby.
"April"
"Oh how wonderful! I had a little girl in August and today is my first day back at work." I told her as I tried to balance my large bag carrying all my pump parts.

And as if she knew I needed to hear it her next words were "Don't be too hard on yourself today."

Could she see it on my face? Could she feel the lump in my throat? The mist in my eyes? No she was just another mama who knew what I was going through - this was her second pregnancy.

I must say she brightened my day and the rest of the day went pretty uneventfully. FaceTiming while pumping was the highlight.

David, Presley and Finn all picked me up which I was so looking forward to. However I couldn't touch P with my gross "public transportation" hands so I had to just stare aggressively at her instead.

But then when we got home she wouldn't crack one of those infamous smiles for me (which I am a pro at getting her to produce) and that made me sad. And then quickly after she decided she was too cranky to be awake.

50 minutes.

That is how long I got to spend with her yesterday.

Of course she has no idea what sleep through the night means so I did get to see her again a little later. But then I got tired from being up so early for work I couldn't even finish The Bachelor. I found that when she woke up to eat at midnight...I was frustrated. I was ripped out of deep sleep and she just was NOT HAPPY and honestly neither was I.

Then I was mad at myself for having no patience. But all I could think about was how I needed to be up at 6am. No naps scheduled for me tomorrow.

Pre-work when naps were on the agenda

I'm happy to report that Tuesday was much easier in terms of leaving her. Still it's not easy but hopefully soon. Time is everything right?

I need a cocktail...