Green Thumb of Bitterness

Whenever my husband and I talked about the future and children we always discussed me staying at home. It was never the plan, yet always the discussion. However when the new year rolled around we both decided that me working was more logical for our family. While I was very fortunate to have a combined six months off work it was still incredibly difficult to leave my baby.

My squishy, adorable, wants to sleep in your arms very young five month old baby.

From that very first day back at work I planted a seed. A very bitter seed.

I would like to call it a weed. However those tend to spring up on their own. I willingly planted mine and then generously proceeded to water it.

You see, when I went back to work I was upset. I was denied a shorter work week. I was sitting in traffic for over two hours each day. I felt my value as a mother was being diminished. Honestly I wasn't giving myself enough credit at the time. I was wanted and needed at work - I was just having a hard time of knowing where to invest myself.

The struggle of a lot of working mom I assume, is not knowing where to put your percentages. 50% at work and 50% at home means no one is getting 100% of you. As the months waxed on I began to accept the title of "working mom".  My parents stepped up to help watch my daughter and did so unabashedly and joyously. Never asking for anything in return.

At work I would write on the dry erase calendar "I QUIT!" on certain days and quickly erase it. I had dates set in my mind. April 1st - came and went, nope bad timing. Shortly after my husband would get into a pretty serious accident and my next date quickly came and left the calendar, Aug. 1st. All the while my seed growing, flourishing really.

I found myself saddened that I missed out on the months when she still wanted to be held. When she was immobile and content to just stare at one another all day. I wished so badly we could have spent hours on the couch together cooing into one another's eyes. But the truth was - well, we weren't and it was time I let it go. For her sake but mostly for my own.

As I approach her first birthday, my first gift to her is to be done watering this seed. So often I tell people, "Let it go", "It's out of your control" "What can you do about it". It's high time I start taking my own advice.

So today I am ripping out the weed that has been growing inside of me. I feel like I have missed out on a lot but there are far many more people in this world who make much greater sacrifices for their families.

So I am keeping it in perspective, letting go of the bitterness and starting anew.

When I look back on my daughters first birthday photos I will do so with pride. We made it and ya know what? We're are all going to be more than okay.