At times I want to yell at myself to enjoy this moment right now. That going from one to two children is a game changer. Not to mention more expensive, more time consuming, more energy. Two children in diapers seems daunting not to mention tiring. Did I mention I am still tired from the first one?
I am trying to keep the desire still, tell it "not now". But I can't seem to shake it and as the months tick by it has only gotten louder. The soft wavelike movements, the swell of my belly, the anticipation of labor. Who will he or she be? What will he or she dream?
This baby is nothing but a thought and yet I think about you as if you are already here. I can imagine rocking you as I did with your sister all those nights when it was just us. Alone together in a dark room, dad was the only one sleeping like a baby and it was just her and me staring at one another trying to figure it all out. We still stare and we are still trying to figure it all out.
The problem with babies as we all know is that babies don't keep. God willing, they grow, they become independent and you hope that when they leave your nest you have raised them to be confident and caring individuals. While I know this day is far away with my firstborn I am also acutely aware of how fast that day will come. Don't blink.
I am trying to shush the yearning. To enjoy these months with my rapidly growing toddler. Mostly because I know that the yearning will never really subside. While my husband and I are both children of families of five, we only wish to be a family of four. So this next hypothetical baby, is also my last baby.
l a s t b a b y
This baby - who is nothing more than a thought - I am already thinking of him/her in terms of last. Last pregnancy, last birth, last first foods, last first steps. How ridiculous is that? You're not even here and I am already worried about time vanishing in front of me.
I'm not ready to have another baby - but that's partially in fear because I am not ready to say we're done having babies.
So today I will whole heartedly embrace my daughter and continue to dream of who you will be.
One day.
Oh mama, I hear you. Time goes so fast with these babes, I'm sure its even faster with 2 in the mix. We just have to soak in as many of those special moments as possible! And enjoy some wine in Napa before any of us has another :)
ReplyDeleteShe is so precious! Love your thoughts here... We dont have one yet, but I keep thinking about all this same stuff and another year passes. Waiting for all the right times... I just keep reminding myself it will all work out. And same with you, you'll figure it out and whatever happens will be the best for you and your family!
ReplyDeleteWhat an honest post my friend - so open and raw. I know this feeling all too well (even now with two toddlers and knowing we want a third babe). If it is any consolation - i found the transition to one baby and into motherhood a lot harder than to two babes - second time around is so different and definitely "easier"as you know what to expect. SJ was 18 months when we got pregnant with EN and I love our age gap (especially having two girls as they are already best friends!)
ReplyDeleteEnjoy those Miss P cuddles friend x
I'm due this week, so this was such an emotional read! Thank you for the reminder to soak in every second.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post! And you are right - don't blink! Because I did and now my sweet boy is five. FIVE! That's ridiculous.
ReplyDeleteaw i loveee this. i think about baby #2 all the time. but im not even sure if we'll have another baby or not so i'm trying to be better about focusing on the present and get allll those wonderful baby smells in. xo jillian - cornflake dreams
ReplyDeleteYou just pierced my heart, this is just lovely! I am not ready for call it quits on a last baby and I can totally wait 5 years if necessary, but ask my hubby and we're done with 2 ;)
ReplyDeleteI totally understand this.... I am also constantly thinking about baby #2 and they are just a thought to us right now too. Financially, we are not ready for another baby but boy am I yearning for another one. (especially since everyone and their mother is posting about baby #2 on their way!) ugh... kills me haha Thank you for the reminder to live in the present - our babies are growing up so fast and sometimes I feel guilty for already thinking about wanting another. I just want to soak Grayson up as long as I can.
ReplyDeleteThis post is everything. I feel like you took the words out of my head and put them down in writing more gracefully than I ever could.
ReplyDeleteBeatiful...I can relate to every.single.thought here! I'm only 6 months into baby number 2 and I sometimes (ok a lot of times) think about a third. Crazy I know, as we can barely handle 2...I don't think the yearning for a newborn (or being pregnant) ever goes away - for me at least! lol
ReplyDeleteAaaand, now I'm crying. I want more babies! Mim was our last baby and the thought of just being done and having no more babies makes my heart hurt so badly. I'm not ready to be done! I'm seriously hoping for an "oops" baby someday! ;) Don't tell my husband that.
ReplyDeleteWell this post just tugs at the heart strings! I will say that I love the almost three year age gap between by boys. It's hard not to catch the baby fever though. And don't even get me started on "last babies." I don't know how I will ever stop having kids! We'll have one more, but that will most likely be our last. I'm keeping an open mind though. ;-)
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