Motherhood

I start all my mornings off exactly the same way. My alarm goes off, I subsequently hit snooze four to five times and then when I finally rouse from my slumber - I hug my dog. Same pattern every morning. Snooze, rise, hug. I contort my body in various angles all through the night ensuring his comfort - his 70 pound frame taking up a large portion of our Cal King bed. I glance at the monitor to check on P while I tiptoe to the bathroom.

These days my computer sports various tabs open, each on a different preschool, already in over my head wondering just how this moment is already here. I think about my strong willed little baby girl and sometimes I just stop and stare at everything surrounding me. How quickly her crib turned into a bed. Her rattles and swaddles long packed away, swapped out with princess toys and no shortage of sass. Having to worry about what programs to enroll her in while simultaneously never wanting to correct her when she whimpers "hold you mama" with arms outstretched. My new favorite color is "Gweem".

Often parenthood feels like a constant push and pull between wanting her so badly to stay little forever. Yet also the overwhelming joy in watching her grow and learn new skills.  I catch glimpses of myself sometimes reveling in the moment and soaking up and the here and now. Other times waxing and waning internally about the future. Questioning everyday choices I make, choices we make to ensure that she has the most wonderful life. The type of childhood we were both so lucky to have. I know that every now and again we will flub. We will stumble. We will head into some great unknown. Sometimes met with great success other times met with "let's try again tomorrow" attitudes.

Parenting is not for the faint of heart. It will humble you, build you up, break you down, make you laugh, cry and scream. It will challenge your patience while concurrently feeling your heart swell with pride. It's a constant roller coaster - one that I hope to never get off. Last night I held my sweet girl in my arms and said into the freshly bathed nape of her neck "you are my dream come true".

She was quick to tell me -

"I am not a dream mama, I am a girl!"

That you are my girl, that you are.